blind

for my past few days, i've been going thru many things. ups and downs... depression and elevation. sleepless and 'sweet' dreams. to be fair. i decided not to blog bout it. i've know things bout me, never got a positive 1. comment from people close to me, or once close to me, or act like close to me. like a friend, or 2.

for my past few weeks, perhaps kinda lotsa weeks, i spent mostly the time of mine with a group of people, same course, purpose, different, view not the same, opinion subjective. 1 or 2, starting to distort, perhaps, they dint change, its they have finally reveal some openings to me. maybe in the begining, not, till the end and throughout the whole process, different people see me differently, mostly, badly seen as i am in their eyes. as i said, slowly i got to know partly of them, and thats enough for me. to know throughout the years, no matter what i trying to change, to do, to renew. i worked hard, edit my ownself, rewrite my characteristics, done. all turn out to be useless, yes, i am still a guy with no use AT ALL. i might have change, but not their view on me. or perhaps, a stick has been inplanted inside them, applying everything i do, refering what i done to what i am not. they might not say them out, showing them out or watsoever, but just now this noon, i heard myself clearly, yes, exposed. i know, i was like an idiot, living in a place which i tot i am so familiar with, but no, its so horrifying. i was so strange. a total stranger in a familiar world. those kinda feeling. i got them, not the 1st time, but, i tot it changed, no, it didnt, and never will.