Half drown, partly dead.

*edited 11th Mac v 0.02*
*edited 10th Mac v 0.01*

10th of mac. 1 week into the final semester. everything remains the same. perhaps something that requires a change or two didn't turn out to be so; or mayber the turnover rate is too pacey or too slow i can't follow, or i just failed to detect any changes, or those changes are being hidden away from me, manually or automaticly.

sometimes i dunno wat to do. wat to think. wat to feel. wat to say. how to say or of what expressions is needed to do what. like lim99 said, he is dead man waling, tired but dun feels like sleeping, awaken but dun feels like waking. to me, i feel tired, but my mind refuse a rest although my body wants to.. suffering.. from what i not sure.. the reason might not exist, perhaps my mind is making inferences and conclusions of what my eyes transmitted to my brain.. creating this kinda feeling i am going thru right now. NOW. what influences now is what happened before... bare with me... what u are going to experience is base on a true story. no further exaggerating editions is included..

flashback to 24 hours ago....

right now. i am at ruums. 7 of us, consists of 3 girls. i remember quite well last time tha place was channel... 1st time experience. not much to talk about for that is not the point for the reason. dance around and stuff. shuffle around, drunken mode. we actually saw two guys trying to ******* (for i dunno what word to use) obviously the girl is not pretty, but she was somehow drugged.. by those guys ... 2 guys, forcing and doing what they should not do to the girl, and the girl, powerlessly, try to escape as we all know she cant. details i will cut short. u know? 4 hands on where else of the body? alas~ dunno why and dunno how the girl get in to the toilet, well, thats wat my friends said she manage to escape to te toilet. for what i observe is: the girl, held by 2 man, ehading to toilet. which for instance i tot she is gg. then after 30mins or so, the guy came back, then some of us went to the toilet, for what i saw is the girl was held by 2 working person to dunno where. she was fainted or so in the toilet? well, this is not the purpose for this flash back as well. move on, road block, yam cha, bath sleep... tired, drunk, blur, hot, red... i fell asleep quite fast...

here comes.. i had a dream.. i dunno whether is a dream or alot of dreams and i can only manage to remeber 1 of them. damn. do i have to say this? think~ flashback~ part of it... a set up.. like a town.. with buildings along the road.. quite modern building.. not many cars.. reasonable amount of people walking around... oh ya~ it was raining... medium heavy. i dunno how these link together... i remember i was inside a big house, playing games according to rules, i know when to do what and should do what after what. then i happens to be outside, no, its i wanted to be outside, where people around me are strangers, no rules, no binding, no tie. doesn't need to care about many things. as if the burden is off, the pressure that has been stressing me is gone. in the rain, i am chasing towards a girl, which i know in real,and in real i know even more that things can happen and happpened to be right or wrong, yes or no, can or not. and that things need perfect timing. back to the raining town-street set up... we talked, for a while, perhaps more than just talking, arguing, asking questions, enquiries that i so wanting to know, hoping what i wanted it to turn out to be, but not. getting the answer from her, i know were all merely my own explainations towards the questions,which were and are somehow being categorised into 2... interpreted by my mind, explained thru my dream. thru a conversation that hardly take place in real life. i am chasing after what i am not suppose to have, even after i catch up with it, still, it will slipped away. voluntary. by the rules, it has to be so. like chowyunfatt towards jaychou: u can only take what i give u, and what i do not offer, u cant steal it, its not destined to be urs. chasing shadow... going after what might be mine but not and will not be. the problem is it the timing? no. twas me. i faced a problem created by myself from myself.

wake up~ you have what you got, you got what u deserved. stop dreaming and move on. grow up. forget what you should not be remembering.

awaken from the long dream. told that the class 10 am canceled. sleep on. dream off.
2pm. played PES till 4, go eat, sent ST half way to the train station. walked back. continue PES, as well as continue cursing vulgarly towards the game. **** got an sms by XR, wanna go cc, asking me for company. suddenly, yet, the timing, so eventually. she walked here. 8pm. eat and play a package in tbun. throughout the whole process, we do not talk much, perhaps our conversation might just fit 1 page of fullscape paper. was not like it used to be, we have not much... noting much to say. at time like this. the range of speech is somehow decreased. crossing a narrow bridge, making a wrong step can fall. decision making, a set of rules to be follow, naturally or not. myself have nothing much of story to tell, perhaps most have been told. herself? well you need a key to a lock, a specified 1, and furthermore i am nobody nor a locksmith. no chance. no choice.

came back, posting this shit. done.